I want to start to share about a process I’m going through that’s very challenging for me. I’ve held back for a lot of reasons-primarily to be sure that if I did write it would be for myself and not for praise or to be seen in a certain way. But I’ve also held back because it feels so fraught with complexity and confusion-authentic complexity and confusion, that I didn’t want to make it 2-dimensional, or do a disservice to myself by creating something clean and pretty from it.
Today I felt something different- a desire to share because I want to be supported, and I kind of want some accountability. Being more visible might make that possible.
So here it is. I’ve loved to sing my whole life. I daydreamed about performing more than anything else as a little girl. Mariah Carey, En Vogue, whatever music I loved I wanted to be it. Whether I didn’t articulate it clearly or it just wasn’t valued or acknowledged by my family, I never pursued it, or even acknowledged it to myself, until a few years ago. For my late 20s I was still carrying the idea that I was now to old for music to be a realistic choice for me. A year ago a singing teacher, who I still work with, helped me see that I needed to commit to this part of myself. So here I am starting to take guitar lessons, write songs, and line up my life to be able to truly commit my energy and time. I’m 32.
I feel like a very old baby, starting at the very beginning of a long path at a time when a lot of friends careers are taking off and they’re becoming established as accomplished in their fields. Others are getting married, having kids, etc. These thoughts held me back for a long time- and now I’m learning to make friends with them. Well- this is what my journey looks like. Am I sure this is what I want to sign up for? I cry when I ask myself this question because how could I not say yes to myself in this way? I may be 32 but I’m so grateful to be alive with time to say yes now. I could be waking up at 42, 52, 62, 72, 82, 92 or 102 and my answer would have to be yes.
Right now all I know is that I’m signing up for plenty of frustration and thousands of hours of work. But every day that’s where my yes is so I thought- well, I might as well share this too- since I’m unlikely to produce anything of incredible beauty or truth for…a long time.
But- I have a yes.