Okay

I want to start to share about a process I’m going through that’s very challenging for me. I’ve held back for a lot of reasons-primarily to be sure that if I did write it would be for myself and not for praise or to be seen in a certain way. But I’ve also held back because it feels so fraught with complexity and confusion-authentic complexity and confusion, that I didn’t want to make it 2-dimensional, or do a disservice to myself by creating something clean and pretty from it.cda42a3dd1f3973f5ccf25e3ba8398b5

Today I felt something different- a desire to share because I want to be supported, and I kind of want some accountability. Being more visible might make that possible.

So here it is. I’ve loved to sing my whole life. I daydreamed about performing more than anything else as a little girl. Mariah Carey, En Vogue, whatever music I loved I wanted to be it. Whether I didn’t articulate it clearly or it just wasn’t valued or acknowledged by my family, I never pursued it, or even acknowledged it to myself, until a few years ago. For my late 20s I was still carrying the idea that I was now to old for music to be a realistic choice for me. A year ago a singing teacher, who I still work with, helped me see that I needed to commit to this part of myself. So here I am starting to take guitar lessons, write songs, and line up my life to be able to truly commit my energy and time. I’m 32.

I feel like a very old baby, starting at the very beginning of a long path at a time when a lot of friends careers are taking off and they’re becoming established as accomplished in their fields. Others are getting married, having kids, etc. These thoughts held me back for a long time- and now I’m learning to make friends with them. Well- this is what my journey looks like. Am I sure this is what I want to sign up for? I cry when I ask myself this question because how could I not say yes to myself in this way? I may be 32 but I’m so grateful to be alive with time to say yes now. I could be waking up at 42, 52, 62, 72, 82, 92 or 102 and my answer would have to be yes.

Right now all I know is that I’m signing up for plenty of frustration and thousands of hours of work. But every day that’s where my yes is so I thought- well, I might as well share this too- since I’m unlikely to produce anything of incredible beauty or truth for…a long time.

But- I have a yes.

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4 thoughts on “Okay

  1. Thank you for trusting in yourself and sharing this love of yours. I clearly remember the first time I heard you sing Janis Joplin in the field while we pulled heads of barley. The depth and comfort you have with the song in your heart is unmistakable. You have all the support you need from people in your life, from cheering you on and attending your gigs, to falling into support of an open ear (no pun intended) when you need to share challenges and a new song or idea. Our source openly guides us, for we know where we’re meant to be present at each stage in our sometimes squeamish lives. Follow that measure to its first illustrious note and sing it lovingly for yourself and in turn for all to cherish.

    I for one am nearing 37 and continue to push against the idea of the path of healing, which people and source open my eyes to in subtle and obvious ways. Listening, I recently quite a lucrative career to once again follow Breathwork and build a practice surrounded by intention.

    This poem, by John Muir, speaks to the moment:
    “Hiking – I don’t like either the word or the thing. People ought to saunter in the mountains – not hike! Do you know the origin of that word ‘saunter?’ It’s a beautiful word. Away back in the Middle Ages people used to go on pilgrimages to the Holy Land, and when people in the villages through which they passed asked where they were going, they would reply, “A la sainte terre,’ ‘To the Holy Land.’ And so they became known as sainte-terre-ers or saunterers. Now these mountains are our Holy Land, and we ought to saunter through them reverently, not ‘hike’ through them.”

  2. Leaving the same comment I left for you on FB, cuz I know as bloggers it’s usefup for us to get comments: You just created something inspiring, of beauty and truth. Thank you for trying to do this. We need your voice. And we need all the experience that is and will be behind your voice. An artist evokes, through their personal experience, an empathetic response in the hearer. Your act of bravery here, rang those bells in me. Thank you.

    1. Thank you Adam, I am so grateful for your friendship. Your message is really meaningful to me- thank you for telling me it’s needed- even though I know it’s what I need to do there are times where it feels very isolating…So glad I get to have good company 🙂

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