With love

“Don’t hold on. Go get strong. Don’t you know? There is no modern romance…. ”

The waves come and go in my body- I find myself holding my breath, my mind racing, coming up with plots and plans to destroy the fear, to escape the feeling of falling through the air, to create a corner to hide in from all the openness. In those moments I want to fill up the silence, I want to say all the words, I want to jump ahead, I want to know, I want to grasp it, I want to hear the reassurances over and over and over, to feel the presence of that calm other person holding me and sending rippling energy into my body so my own chest would release and I could breathe easily.

He could do that for me, but as I walk to the store in the oddly balmy March sunshine I find myself letting go into helplessness with a sigh of light, laughing, joyful surrender. I can’t hold my breath forever, and I can’t control anything- I can’t, I wouldn’t, I needn’t, no. The thought comes in that maybe this place of such terror is actually the place of liberation. What if instead of falling I jumped? Maybe, I feel with a sneaking sensation of getting the hang of something finally, this is actually a liberation if I can just pause long enough to see that where I am is a new place, with a new person, it’s none of the other stories of my life.

Something in the sun seeping through my skin is breaking open my heart in the most beautiful way. I feel a cry for joy for the first time in my life. How beautiful it feels to be seeing myself choosing uncertainty-how I love the experience of watching myself grow, of seeing myself being the person I always wanted to be, making choices again and again towards growth, love, and liberating rather than avoiding fear. It feels like the shattering of stained glass; colorful, brittle, tinkling like bells, making a glorious mess of rainbow light ready to be molded anew again.

Rolling through this day in a wave that is so much bigger than me- I feel light, inevitable, trusting, knowing, and lovingly amused at my mental twitches, fears, and insecurities. Loving and understanding rather than judging. Acknowledging their presence I let them go. I remember my dad’s joy at the three bouquets of flowers that showed up in a week, because of his own hope and love for me. I remember what I want for myself, what all those who love me want for me, and I think with some joy, it all already exists here inside.

I feel all the bliss of moments when outside of my control it has been better than I could ever have imagined. I remember how this person unfolding with me is my own unfolding too, and we will both know each other and ourselves differently if we let ourselves. I remember how much I like surprises. Slowly I practice into my bones walking joyfully with uncertainty.

My trust is the most precious gift I have to offer to another person.

My trust is also the most precious gift I have to give to my own life, to my friends and to my family. My trust is a hard-earned jewel of great effort and love, it is pure, it is unattached, and it is willing. It sees the fear and the possibility at the same time and it offers itself as if to say:

“What will be will be, my love…  flowing time and the fickle tide wait for no man… this moment of ebb, this moment of flow, every moment, a choice exists to dive in humble and unknowing… time is gone, time is gone, time is gone, let it go. Dive and feel your heart doing it’s work, the fresh cold water pricking your skin with needles, pressing on your ears, tightening your chest and then forcing you to gasp for air deeper into the corners of your body than you understood possible. Give your most precious gift…”

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