Speechless in the waves

New rhythms are clicking into place as I step into the time of my life that I never really imagined past. In the next year “30” comes and somehow I feel I have more time now than I ever have. I look up at the sun, fingering the soft bulb of a rose in the back of the yard near the blueberry bushes. It’s the shortest day of the year and they say the days and the years get shorter as we age, but I have only found more to slow down for as I get older. I have no fear of gray hair, I’m in love with the idea of living life like this all the way into wrinkles and gray hair. I have only found more to love, more wonder, more compassion, and more beauty.

There is motion in me right now, uncertain and alive, it’s new eyes seeing, new body sensing, new heart beholding… Some something ness, an enrapturing sensuality that makes every texture reason enough to smile, to fall in love. I feel an inner beat, moving slowly, confidently… a sweet tenderness that feels strong. Looking out the window into the daylight… I notice that the yard I grew up in is a completely different place now, it’s grown in to itself; it’s become something new. I see myself reflected there too, growing into myself, ripening, filling in, finding my own meandering way, seeing the way time has grown me. Something in this culture wants us to be young forever, these shallow love stories that end at the moment when in reality it all begins between people, when it all begins with ourselves.

I thought I was one kind of flower for most of my life, even after waking up I was living a story that was half other peoples, and now I see that I am another kind of flower and I’ve always been living my own story. All these other stories have been falling away like petals for years-I might have even thought for awhile that I knew who I was. Yet the last months have steadily, with miraculous support and love from everything in my life, eased me through shedding of what seems like the inner petals I didn’t know were left to be shed. Whatever is shedding has been near to my heart for a long time because somehow I’ve never been so raw, so vulnerable, and so strong, at the same time.

I step in closer- with the bewilderment that goes along with never having could have planned this- circling in closer to what I love most in the world, what is closest to me, to the source of love and all that moves through me in this life. There must be some precious truth here to have brought me so gently, so softly, so lovingly to the truest me I’ve been. It’s so simple, beautiful and precious to me; I feel I’ve found these pearls of self and the sacred gift of knowing how to hold them. It doesn’t make sense, I feel I’ve been gifted myself. Somehow because I claimed my wholeness I’ve been eased deeper into that wholeness to see what perhaps I wouldn’t have known how to take care of or accept before. So involved in independence perhaps I couldn’t have seen the reality of interdependence, so identified with strength perhaps I couldn’t see the beauty and truth in vulnerability and emotion…

Is there any gift greater than circling closer to your true self? I feel the quiet of being ultimately humbled- beyond what can be held out in gestures of words. I know this revelation goes on, in each moment for my whole life, there is more to see than I know, discovering creation inside of my own heart…

It was such ecstasy when my heart first opened, but now…. now now now there is something so secretly sweet to life. It just keeps… unfolding, deepening, and opening. It’s not ostentatious, it needs no affirmation, no poetry, no additional sparkle- just watching my mother tear up during a movie, my brother feel his disappointment at not getting a job, my friend spend time with her two-year old daughter preparing for their first flight together, a past lover with his new love- these gems, these humanness-es, all this beauty, there’s infinitely more of it than I can say with all these silly words-all this love I feel needs no conversation. It is finally so whole. Speechless in the waves rolling.

Listen to the Feist version of Islands in the Stream, it is beautiful…

Baby when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside there was somethin’ going on
You do something to me that I can’t explain
Hold me closer and I feel no pain
Every beat of my heart
We got somethin’ goin on
Tender love is blind
It requires a dedication
All this love we feel
Needs no conversation
We ride it together, ah-ah
Makin’ love with each other, ah-ah

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in between
How can we be wrong?
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah

I can’t live without you
if the love was gone
Everything is nothin’
if you got no one
And you walk in the night
slowly losing sight of the real thing

That wont happen to us
and we got no doubt
Too deep in love and
we got no way out
and the message is clear
This could be the year
for the real thing

No more will you cry
Baby I will hurt you never
We start and end as one
in love forever
We can ride it together, ah-ah
Makin’ love with each other, ah-ah

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in between
How can we be wrong?
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
Sail away
Oh come sail away with me, with me

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