“But what if I die in a plane crash today and I never get to hug you and tell you how much I love you!”
I actually sent this text message yesterday. It was fun. Ridiculous? Yes. Dramatic? Yes. Accurate representation of how I was feeling? Absolutely. And even as I was rapt in the powerful drama of how I felt I was simultaneously watching with amusement at how silly the whole scene was.
I awoke from a dream that morning in which a good friend had died suddenly and unexpectedly. The experience of losing him so suddenly had me truly unsettled and even though I had tons to do, I kept crumpling into tears in random parts of my room, unable to get much done or think clearly. My housemates reminded me lovingly and with complete sympathy that I was on my period and that they had been that way a week earlier, which made it more funny, but not any more productive.
I threw clothes from the closet into my suitcase in some senseless, order-less, fit of anxious panic. “I have to pack!” I thought to myself… “But I don’t know what I’m going to feel like wearing in a day or a week; I barely even know what I want to wear right now. What if I get down there and I don’t have enough black… or yellow, or if I don’t bring the dress I’ll really feel like wearing for Christmas? This is important! I don’t even have the energy to roll my clothes or do this properly, what is wrong with me?!” I shed a few tears of despair… (back of hand to the forehead, sighs of exhaustion at the mere thought of it all…)
At some point on the way to the airport I realize I’ve brought no shoes. I have fuzzy boots on, and a duffle with high heels, climbing shoes and running shoes. I am prepared to sleep, go out for a drink, and exercise. That’s apparently all I’m doing this Christmas.
Finally I’m on the plane; it’s a beautiful day above the clouds, and I have a row to myself. As I listen to the Rolling Stones, eat chocolate and drink free scotch courtesy of Southwest Airlines I realize that everything is just effing great right now. Hey everybody, drinks on me! I got coupons that are about to expire! The plane gets a little more into the holiday spirit.
The sun is shining on the ocean, the clouds cast dark globular shadows on the glimmering plane of salty brine.
For lack of a better word I was feeling homely when I left the house, but as I thought about and appreciated all the different parts of myself, even the crazy, melodramatic version that I played with today, I felt beautiful, alive, unique and blessed. Here above the ocean in the sunshine I’m writing, I’m going home, my life is yielding me incredible lessons, beautiful new depth and intimacy with friends. And the kind and handsome airline steward just asked for my phone number. Life is crazy! I love it…
It strikes me that I have nothing to worry about. The insanity weaves itself deeper and more intricately. The time between experiences of darkness and the joyous elation and ecstasy of flirting with destiny grows shorter and shorter as I become more fluid and fluent in riding the wave of my changeable self without judgment. The darkness isn’t as threatening and I have no reason to attach as much to the elation either, there is actually a pleasure in both. I’m seeing in an even more radical way how each aspect of my life, each nuance of emotion, each thought, and each sensation is wholly a part of the flow of life that is manifesting me. I’m steeped in elation and ecstasy with playing at all of it, at everything. With who I am, with what I do, with love, with movement, with life.
Alan Watts says “You are something the whole universe is doing, in the same way that a wave is something that the whole ocean is doing.” As far as what I call self (this local place of embodied experience) can see, the universe is having fun playing with embodiment of the feminine today. With what felt like a wild range of experience, that I was both in and witness to, I saw the last shred of notion that emotion and experience are correlated to logic and/or reason playfully deconstructed and laid bare as fallacy. I feel as though I’m discovering a new world through a doorway of a different kind of integrity, an integrity to express everything as it arises without judgment. I feel excited and in love.