A few moments ago I got off the phone with my mom and was surprised to find myself feeling so sad, and scared, and lost, to be so far away from her. For a moment I wondered what I was doing so far away from my mommy. As each death that I’ve experienced in the past few years has brought me closer to the lived, felt, understanding that life is short- increasingly I find myself not wanting to wait at all to create a life which puts me close to those I love. After years of being happy to have some distance from my family to grow and change and become different people, I now want to be closer to my family, my parents especially. Dinner on Sunday night, tea during the week, getting to go hiking together every once in awhile with them sounds sooo good.
Still the feeling of fear or anxiety around our separation tonight surprised me. I was a child again for a moment, just wanting to curl up in mom’s arms and have her tell me that Julie’s death, my grandparents pain, and the difficulties of aging are still a ways off in the distance, not real, and that I can hide safely from them with her. It’s not true of course, though a part of me wonders if having someone who’s word you believe deeply, like a parent, tell you that removes the worst part of those discomforts, the anxiety and fear.
Looking back over the past entries I’ve made there’s been a lot of death, but fercrissake I’m only 28, where’s the fun?
Well I bought wrinkle cream yesterday, that’s fun, well funny at least… want to see it? Here it is_
I don’t really have wrinkles yet but yesterday I decided I was worried about it so I went to Berkeley Bowl and talked with the people in the cosmetics department for about 45 minutes. Oh yeah, we covered collagen, CoEnzyme Q10, and antioxidants. I looked at products that were $43 and took home a couple that were $10, which perhaps makes me a little less of a sucker.
I also discovered that the people in the cosmetics department, or at least the ones working there yesterday, have no novel information about the products they sell. I asked the difference between two things, and she read me the brand name and what I could already see on the package. When I pressed her for more that what I already knew she said she wasn’t sure because this company didn’t put on clinics for their products. Apparently these folks get all of their information from clinics hosted by the producers of the products themselves, which means that all the claims on the back must be scientifically verifiable true facts.
A couple times in answer to a question she read me what was written on the package as though she were telling me something from her own experience, or as though I hadn’t already read the back before asking her the question. She was very sweet though and supported me in my 45 minute search for the magic potion that would help me avoid the ravages of my late twenties, so no dis BB, we’re still cool.
What else is fun… oh, I have a staging area in my room where piles of clothes, hampers, luggage, backpacks, bags, books, food remnants, and other travel debris in one state of coming or going has made it’s way over the past two months. Since May I’ve been unpacking from one trip and packing for the next at the same time so I’ve sort of relinquished (reluctantly albeit) this space to the mess. Want to see it?
No, you can’t really see it there. Here’s another-
In this area it’s unclear what is clean, what’s been laundered, why something is there, what is in fact there, or where to find anything. The piles move every day according to some unseen tide, random impulses to dump these clothes closer to the closet in the hopes that when I decide to put them away they will be closer and therefore there will be fewer reasons for me not to do it. I have a closet too. It’s pretty clean though.
Hmmm, what else is funny. Oh, I joined an online dating site yesterday, that’s been a source of hilarity. I’ve received such messages as:
“Hey whats u honey How u doing ?” and “Hi.”
There were others that were more verbose, and still others that actually made me laugh, which has made it funny for the right reasons. But still, online dating- it’s pretty much an unending source of laughs at the expense of the human race, myself included.
Shake weights and toe shoes have also made their way into my life, which can mean only one thing; I am becoming a series of infomercials, either on their way into existence (Do you need to organize your closet? Vacuum bags and shelving systems!) or already circulating on late night television. Next thing you know I’ll be cuddled up in a snuggie. No! I draw the line at shake weights.