disappear me into the lightening air…

Driving to Marin this afternoon the sky was ripped open by some mischievous angels to reveal Mount Tamalpais- it looked softly black and it devoured the achingly beautiful sunlight as though no one had told it how radiant the clouds ringing it shone. The sharp tree lined ridge emerged unassumingly through the thin feathers of evaporating vapor, solid and empty, blinding and heavenly. It was just a few minutes in this dream with someone singing to me that we live in a beautiful world, with the air whipping out of the top of the car and the light on the water glinting the glimmer of fall, gold and crisp…

In fall even the afternoon sunlight has in it the whispers of it’s own passing- the warmth ends before we’ve had our fill, and we satisfy ourselves to know that always, summer comes again next year. One year older, one more winter to share with those we make life with…

In my life this year has…well, the loss, the gut-wrenching loss, the heart exploding highs and the opportunities, I’m feeling broken and humble, and also excited and ready, there is something almost paralyzing about the sadness and beauty that are no longer distinguishable from each other-they follow on each others’ heels, melt together, accent each others’ hues such that there is no sadness with joy, or joy without the remembrance of panging loss… I guess I could say it sounds confused, but it doesn’t feel muddled, it’s just that nothing seems or feels simple anymore.

I heard these two young high school students play guitars and sing together tonight framed by the silhouettes of eucalyptus trees, the mountain was finally enveloped in the clouds and the sunset illuminated the wall of white with faint shades of peach and lavender, and these teens, the next generation I suppose, they broke my heart, or stole it, or filled it, they made my heart feel full and proud and hungry and full of hope. They made me feel full of hope, more than the wonderful powerful people who spoke beautiful words about incredible projects beforehand, more than any of the work that I am doing, the beauty that emerged from their lips, hands and hearts made me know what the tribes of Guatemala know; that humans are here to create beauty to please the gods.

I think about you, I think about words, I think about the sky tonight- and I want to shatter glass just to know I’m real and then jump naked in to the cold ocean on a bright night filled with stars…

I can’t wait until I’m light enough that the wind blustering around inside me can pick me up off the ground and disappear me into the lightening air…

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