I feel like I can’t speak, but the truth is I can. I’m just afraid that I’ll say something that scares myself. I am so… alive…so out on a limb…I was asked out on a date tonight and I felt like giving him warning, “listen, I’m not what you think you’re getting yourself into, let me save you some time…”
We were at a Jewish singles night in the city and I was so enjoying myself, people dancing and flirting, the whole place was full of young people looking for fulfillment. It was so funny and beautiful to see people bump into each other, stop, chat, introduce themselves. With absolute abandon I was enjoying myself, so so longing that it would make sense for me to talk to one of these young men so excited to be talking and dancing in the world… Why does this feel tragic? Someone begins a conversation about where from-how do-what do-etc. He’s taking my number for lunch and I’m thinking to myself, don’t waste his time. Listen, I’m about to be a minister, I care about where you buy your food …
Who am I to say these things? This sounds so judgmental, but I’m really just trying to be honest about what I’m looking for and who I am, for better or worse.. It’s not that a person needs to be like me, far from it, but there is a quality of consciousness and a willingness to walk the way our beliefs direct us that I am looking for and that seems to be… not prevalent at the moment. Though I humbly and appreciatively accept that we’re all hypocrites sometimes I don’t feel that that excuses us from the choice to live with integrity when we do have choices and the obligation to examine our lives and find where those choices are.
What use are beliefs that aren’t lived practically? For me it just doesn’t feel like enough.
These are my personal choices and I don’t hold anyone to what I have found to be true for me. I don’t believe in universal truth and I don’t believe our hard-sought truths have the same weight for others. Which is why I can say honestly that I want to be with a person who has found their own truths and is striving in their own way to live that seed of self-knowledge, whatever it looks like. Maybe they’re vegetarian and I eat meat, or they want to farm while I want to write and work with organizations, the paths are inevitably unique, but it is the quality of having questioned and sought that pervades the being of people I am intrigued by. So yes, I care about where one buys his food, but not because I care where he buys his food. I care about that because of what it means about how we think and interact in the world.
Even words like local and organic that are buzz words now are deeply meaningful expressions of an ethic that seeks to heal our unhealthy relationships with the earth that our food comes from, that food itself, and our own sadly estranged relationships with our bodies. Yet having explored these relationship and industries I know it is possible to eat in a deeply ethical manner without anything being labeled organic. It may be organic, but the label itself, like everything else in this world, is no guarantee that the decision we make is the best. We can only find that answer through our own process of asking, looking and sensing, and the answer we find is no universal truth, simply our own reality for now.
Alone and together in God, I feel so pleasantly held, and yet so …out there
I saw ___ today, he came and sat by me like no time had passed… it was nice…we just talked about life..then he left.. and I lost the day, it was just gone…I thought I was over it, but the sadness I felt for the rest of the day let me know that I wasn’t… my hands in prayer, I cannot possibly humble myself more, I have asked in so many ways to let this go, to be free, and I am still feeling such deep connection there that has no where to take itself or give itself. Please God. Please God. My heart is yours, do with it what you wish..but please… give me something to know why this goes on…I’m feeling hard-headed and foolish to not get it
I keep hearing this song in my ears, “your eyes are wider than before, so little has changed, but your eyes now see much more..I surrender myself to your presence and peace of mind…your eyes are wider than before, so little has changed but your eyes now see much more, so much more..so much more”
I feel like a petal bent by wind, not broken but creased…I’m just tired and feeling vulnerable. I am sick of the role I’ve played and I want to run away…I want to be wild, I want to move and be free, I want to not care, I want to dissolve into sunshine..I want to break open and be held, siigghhh…. 🙂