circa 2005

I just found this while cleaning out some papers. It’s from May of 2005, I guess some things were stirring earlier than I thought. blips on the radar…

“We all sat on the Air-bart bus to the Oakland airport, the sun was going down in a grayish peach sky; college students going home. You can tell us around holidays, packs of us headed to the airport in college sweatshirts and hats and on the phone making plans for the evening with the friends back home, looking around, thinking or dreaming the distracted thoughts of travel. Nobody talks, just slides in their hard plastic seats thinking themselves home while we drive into the fields of cars laid out before the air traffic control tower and the open sky. I always wondered why people didn’t really talk to each other on this trip. Seems obvious we’re all going to the same school. I guess I could say something, but it doesn’t seem welcome…My grandfather just died and right now, I could be screaming, laughing hysterically, maniacally even, jittering around in my seat making everyone very uncomfortable. I kind of like the idea, but instead I can’t open my mouth, or I won’t open my mouth. I feel like one of those damn plaster lawn ponies in a foot of ice plant in front of the weird Italian food restaurant we’re about to pass, sitting underneath the flight path gathering soot with a frozen expression plastered on my face. Are all these people buried underneath layers of hiding and numbness? Do they know who they are, more than I do, or are we all simply pretending? Do we prop up two-dimensional concepts of identity cobbled together from other people’s ideas of who we are? Somewhere in this version of me that is trying to be a good person, sitting quietly and not speaking, I think there is actual good in me, god in me, that is starting to optimistically bubble through the crevices and out of me. It feels like the life I was born to live, the life we were all born to live, with no pretending, with crying, laughing, shaking, smiling, and gasping for breath to be alive.”

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