the sky exploded with color tonight. Not ostentatious color like a vivid orange, red and pink spread in clouds all over the sky. But all blues swirled and their progeny imagined new colors, and those bled together as well…
and I wondered if it were possible for me to be so deeply grounded, so fully in the earth, and yet have my spirit so high up above the tail lights, up in the infinite shades of twilight blue. I am taking off, or settling in, and my spirit just blew apart to corners of the sky, dematerialized…
Later, I am with two very handsome, very very sweet, men. They are both, respectively, a foot taller than me. I feel very small. They are good-naturedly walking over to the bar to buy us drinks, they are laughing and slapping each other’s backs, they are talking talking talking, and my body is completely relaxed into an expansive feeling of beautiful sadness that is making it hard for me to enjoy talking or listening. My body is calling me to be with it, there is almost a drug-like quality to how textured it all feels. I am at peace here, there isn’t anywhere else I want to be..
Driving home I am fantasizing about heading up to the lost coast for a two week ramble up and down. I am thinking about the rain and the weather. I am thinking about the storms, I am thinking about being alone. I am thinking about getting angry. I am thinking about breaking things. I am thinking about writing and writing to my heart’s content. I am thinking about silence, and walking, and the sound of the ocean, and those nights where the weather breaks and the moon is full and it is pouring bright beams through dark clouds. On those nights there is a power that you can feel viscerally in the air; it makes you look around in awe and fear as the wildness of a place without people trembles under the fast changing sky scape. I am thinking about letting go and climbing inside of my own peace and quiet. A stillness that I carry with me and act from all the time, and yet get to spend too little time fully inside of.
Part of this is a big tired fuck you that almost immediately turns into a deeply reverential thank you once I am out there. When I arrive with my feet on the ground and sleeping under sky I let the earth take the things I don’t want to carry anymore. The earth and the water can take those forces and turn them into waves, sunshine, rain, and the energy that makes a hummingbird’s heart beat so fast.
I go outside to be small, powerless, powerful, and free.