Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself over my thoughts. It sounds schizophrenic to say, but do you ever hear yourself thinking something, and wonder… where the hell is that coming from? A romantic situation, a few months ago provides me with an example.
So, I already kind of knew that we’re weren’t right for each other, the writing was really huge across the wall, we’re in totally different places, need totally different things, etc. I, having seen this coming from 10 miles away, feel okay with it. In all honesty, I felt sorry for the guy. What he was going through and the tough stuff ahead? Hard, and heart-breaking. I wanted and still want him to take care of himself. For me? I want someone who, like me, has worked through the last painful parts of whatever their old relationship was, knows how to take care of himself, and wants to be present and having fun with me now. Self-awareness is critical too, but that is another article.
Anyway, I wasn’t going to get those things in this situation because this gentleman had too much stuff occupying him emotionally to be able to offer much. This is not a criticism. Emotional trauma, especially the loss of relationship, can take a long time to process. So, I really wanted him to be present with whatever he’s going through. ANYWAY.
So what’s the problem? I’m writing a paper and my brain is calling him to see if he wants to come over and watch a movie. Stop that! Bad for you! Bad for him! No! I say. But my brain, though it understands and feels the same way, is dead set on distracting me with ill-conceived fantasies. Ended many months ago? doesn’t even matter. Oh to be human, how amusing…and yet, this is how I know it’s time to make a point of meditating