Conversations with myself

Here are some glimpses into my rich inner life


Self #1 (mild disgust) Are you putting cammembert on a rice cake?
Self #2 yes… I’ve been eating it by itself for a few days, and I just wanted to put it on something, all I have is rice cakes, so….
1. Why don’t you get some of those gourmet rosemary crackers to go with that cheese…
2. Mmmmm, this is good, do you want to try it?
1. No… what you are doing is like putting pate on doritos
2. What?!? No it’s not, these rice cakes are eco-farmed, they’re nothing like doritos
1. It’s like putting white sugar on a mango
2. (with look of doubt on face) that’s just a terrible analogy, you’re no longer accomplishing sense
1. It’s just wrong!
2. When did you get so indignant and sassy?
1. I don’t know… it’s fun to be like this sometimes….
2. Okay. Well. You really should try this it’s pretty good, the rice cakes take longer to chew and that helps them match the lingering taste of the cammembert, nice salty flavor too
1. (with sheepish resignation) Okay, but can I have my own?
2. But uv coursse. (with poor french accent)

me– What is this wetness? Really? Vegetable juice all over my bag. I can’t have this happening, I’m going to submit a voided check to payroll today and it’s going to smell like cilantro and tomatoes…
tupperware- (looks at shoes but says nothing)
me– You only have one job, I put stuff in you, you keep it inside. That’s it, how can you do such a crappy job at your one task?
tupperware– (piping up now) well, you kind of knew that I’m not so good at sealing, you did buy me at Ikea like 100 years ago…
me– Goddamn it you’re right! but really? Who the hell designed you, you’ve never worked! You’re like a poorly executed idea of tupperware, a concept piece
tupperware– Why don’t you just use me in the fridge where I can sit flat and gravity will hold my lid on? I’ll keep other things from contaminating the food at least.
meThat’s great, a gravity operated piece of tupperware, perfect. Why don’t I just use a bowl and a rock? Have you no pride?
tupperware– I_K_E_A
me (high pitched sigh of amused exasperation) I have made this bed, and I will lie in it thusly.

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