It feels painful to realize that I have been asleep, or some kind of asleep for the past few months. Not complete, but I feel this prickly sensation that I have not really noticed and taken advantage of the lessons offered to me, suddenly I don’t know who I am, people who I would have really enjoyed talking to I seem to put off, push away, or make uncomfortable. Tonight I went to an event, a bike salon, and saw someone speak who really inspired me, and drew me in because of his passion and aliveness. For awhile when we spoke I felt connection, and when I finally went to speak with him, about work, I suddenly got the feeling like I was pulling on him, and he closed off. He was saying that I needed to crystallize what I was good at and wanted to do. Well the problem is that I don’t know. Honestly, I am not sure of the answer to either of those questions. I’m good at writing, or do I think I’m good at it because I like it and I’d like to be good at it because I associate it with strong intellect and having respect. I am good at communication, with people, distilling information, etc, but it feels shallow to me, so is it something I want to advertise and do for a living? I am a good fundraiser but my hearts not in it. I like to sing, don’t know if I’m really good at it… I can be good at anything I think to myself, but really, the problem is that I don’t know what I want to do. And he can’t save me, I have to figure that out the hard way, by thinking about it, worrying about it, trying stuff out, putting myself out there, and struggling. How lucky he is that he simply knew what he wanted to do, maybe it wasn’t simple, maybe that’s an unfair classification, but it sounded like he was saying, just do what you’re passionate about. Well, I am filled with ambivalence. Why? Where does it come from? Why do I need to esteem a path before trying it? Why, if I am truly looking for fulfillment have I not taken apart the part of me that wants things to fit an old model of what it takes to be respected?

2 thoughts on “learning

    1. It’s an interesting question, particularly now when I find myself in not such a different place as I was last year… I now believe that my life is my path, and that there are plenty of things that I love and can follow and pursue; no wrong answers. I think I am coming to realize it is my expectations which may need to change, my concept of what a path is.

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